If you want to get to know someone, you ask what their interests are. What a person is interested in is often a reflection of who they are. Over the years, preferences and tastes change, but this just shows that humans have the capacity to grow.

What if those hobbies you’ve grown so passionate about could actually change your life, uncovering a truth that many already know? My personal journey took place over the course of many years, and has finally led me to a place I can begin to feel comfortable with myself; and it all started with my love for anime.

In the late summer of 2000, Fox Kids began to air Vision of Escaflowne. It was unlike any other show in its cartoon lineup. The show featured a headstrong, high school girl named Hitomi, who is whisked away to a fantasy world where she has the power to predict the future. Along with Prince Van, whose country had burned down in an attack by their enemy, Hitomi helps save this world from plunging into a never-ending war. The show ran for only ten episodes, and was heavily edited. Low ratings forced Fox Kids to cancel the series, but its legacy still lives on. 

Self-Rescuing Princess

Years of watching cartoons where boys were featured in the spotlight had conditioned me to believe that girls could never be the “hero” unless they were a princess in distress. Hitomi was none of these things. She lacked fighting skills, but she harnessed the power of her feelings and logic without allowing herself to be pushed around.

This was the first time I saw a woman with agency in a show. It was something I had never known I craved. The men around her treated her like garbage at first, but she persevered until every character listened to what she had to say. The plot was also deep and complex, unlike the rest of the bubbles and fluff on television for kids. There were real situations and emotions portrayed.

For many, The Vision of Escaflowne was a gateway into a brand new form of media. A new frontier. For me, Pandora’s box had been opened, and there was no going back. Series like Fullmetal Alchemist and Cowboy Bebop were eagerly devoured, and this new hunger for reality and depth in the media I consume could not be sated. Merchandise was bought, soundtracks were downloaded and soon the appetite grew. Fandoms can develop into obsessions, and soon you’re surfing the net, reading fan-fiction at 4am. Everyone has been there, regardless of the hobby or interest.

But then, while searching for images of Inuyasha to add to a growing collection, I discovered cosplay.

エジプトでオジマンディアスの撮影をさせて頂きました。

Ozymandias from Fate/GrandOrder.

P:Yasser Hamza Photography pic.twitter.com/z8XfQXgXtR

— 麗華-REIKA✈︎Anime Expo (@reika2011) February 16, 2018

Dress to Impress

Cosplay, or “costume play” is the amazing art of transforming into a character. People pour their heart and soul into their craft. Anybody can transform into anything, and there are no gender boundaries. In fact, it’s quite common for women and men to cosplay characters opposite of their gender identity, allowing all sorts of experimentation. If only the real world were just as forgiving. No, this activity was reserved for the convention room floor. Times have certainly changed, and while the world has become more receptive to different genders and sexualities, the same can not be said for many other parts of the world where conservatism is still a reality. 

So in May of 2005, prom was traded in for my first convention, Anime Central. Instead of a prom dress, pictures of a very excited young woman dressed as the Fullmetal Alchemist were taken. A sense of belonging filled my whole being as it dawned on me. This was the first time I’d been given praise for dressing as a man. Granted, it was a fictional man, but still…it meant something.

There’s a large community of crossplayers, particularly women who don the the persona of feminine, male characters. After much digging and a slight detour, I came across Reika on social media. She was strong, confident, and unafraid to completely change her appearance into some of the sexiest male characters in anime. It was a confusing time. Questions swirled in my mind about gender, sexuality, and preferences; and the thoughts lingered.

During college everyone was discussing Revolutionary Girl Utena, a wonderful anime about a young girl who is so impressed by a prince, she decides to become one. She wears a boy’s uniform, plays basketball, and is worshiped by both men and women. This had long been a dream of mine. She pushed boundaries and was truly revolutionary (ha!) for the time. Desires long dormant, came to the surface. In all honesty, Utena is probably responsible for the bi/lesbian awakening of many women, but for me she was a window into what gender fluidity could look like. Utena was free to be as masculine or feminine as she pleased, but was still always desired. 

Life Imitates Art

As impressive as Utena was, Korean pop (Kpop), blew the lid off any preconceived notions. Young, attractive men wore feminine clothing and makeup while doing sexual masculine moves to the beat. Beauty was not defined by gender. Taemin’s “Press Your Number: video forced me to admit that I was indeed attracted to him, but I also kind of wanted to be him. I credit this video in particular with my journey. His style was something I wanted to imitate. Then I realized that the fashion used in these videos is actually reminiscent of all those crossplayers mentioned and seen before. And then it clicked. This is me, and this is who I’ve always been.

My passions and loves have always been known. Though the journey was long, it’s nice to have finally arrived and stand up tall during Pride month. While representation in anime is still scarce outside of the BL genre, it helped this bundle of anxiety realize who she really was all along.

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